I’m currently on garden leave which gives me a loooooot of time to think, a lot of time to reflect and all that as well as a lot of job applications.

I find myself in a bit of a quandary there’s so many jobs I ‘could’ do. There’s so many jobs I apply for and hear nothing back from, there’s so many jobs I get to the final two for and then just don’t make the cut. The feedback I get is usually a bit unhelpful too, “you were great but the other candidate just had a slight edge” “your work was amazing but you speak too fast” and so many times it just rings in my ear as you don’t look the part or sound the part. I can’t help but thinking if I walked in with shiny hair and the right body and sounded like I didn’t have a regionalised accent then the job would have been mine.

I love the industry I work in but often I look and I don’t see anyone else who looks like me, there’s the private schools and the designer handbags, it’s the parents paying their rent and the same size bodies. I’m very aware I’m generalising a little here and feeling a bit sorry for myself and a bit chip on my shoulder-y but it’s still so very often the case.

People will call me silly, or tell me I am successful, I go on holiday a lot, I have a great boyfriend and great friends and I know that. I know in so many avenues I am incredibly lucky but the images or posts on social media aren’t a complete 360 of someone’s life. It’s not the knock backs, the rejections or the crappy reasons you don’t get something.

I feel like there’s tick lists thrust at me all over the place, whether it be for job applications or just the list of how to be successful in life and there’s always boxes I can’t tick so it’s never complete.

And I am not writing this for sympathy I am absolutely sure some people will read this and be like you absolute idiot how ungrateful are you your life looks AWESOME!!! I’m writing it to put my thoughts down or so anyone else who maybe looks like they all have it together is sitting at home, watching crappy Netflix films and racking their heads about what to do next, what move to make….