This isn’t a clever pun or anything it is literally about problems to do with weight. HUZZAH.
I don’t usually like to talk about it, its a bit of a taboo subject with me, as if people can’t see that I’m not your average size ten – they have eyes. I think what bothers me is the false representation that they may have of me because of it.
I’ve had an issue with weight for a long time now, and its not simply a case of ‘I like food’ its that I have an unhealthy relationship with it combined with a very healthy one. I’m majorly a happy person, so my day to day eating is pretty solid combined with the fact I’m active and drink a lot of water. However, if I have a bad day I am a binge eater – i hate saying it out loud and I haven’t done it in maybe eight months? I have felt happier and not felt the need to.
But when I do it’s done with an in it to win (lose?) it attitude, I’ll eat crappy foods past the point of hunger, until I make myself feel physically as gross as I feel emotionally. The sugar crashes, the cramped stomach the feeling sick. It’s self abuse, its no different to cutting yourself, or drinking yourself sick but its seen with a lot more disdain and little to no sympathy. It’s fine if you’re an alcoholic or a drug addict, but if you dare to possible seek the escape via another means well you’re a laughing stock.
My relationship with food started badly when I was little, despite the fact I wasn’t remotely fat I seemed to spread out before other girls out, wider hips, wider arms etc… I no longer had a skinny child’s body – this led to me being bullied relentlessly by the boys in my class, to the point I was cutting food but exercising via netball, football, rounders and running nearly every night – this eventually led to me collapsing during practice one day and waking up looking like the phantom of the opera.
This bullying continued way into my teens, and it was self destructive, it didn’t matter how good I was at sports – and I was good, the boys and it was 99% boys would call me fat and tank and whale bitch etc… i got wider hips and thighs and bum but my boobs were small, I didn’t have a girly shape. And the more the bullying continued the sadder I got, the more I ate and so the cycle continued.
As an adult my weight has fluctuated based on happy I am, but its only this last yearish its been stable, i’ve lost just over a stone, not a lot but its the first time its stayed off without yo-yoing.
I’ve joined a work netball team and I’m in the gym – running and weights, two things that terrified me, and for the first time in my entire adult life when I went to Greece I walked around in public without a cardigan on, a small thing for others but a huge thing for me. I hate my arms but every summer, every hot holiday I cover them with jackets and cardigans sweltering and feeling trapped but this year I didn’t let it.
I’m continuing to lose weight, but firstly I’m getting healthy.
I just wish that I could go back to 10 year old me and tell her to ignore those nasty spiteful boys, or if people stopped acting like fat on a body is the worst thing a human can have. It doesn’t matter if you’re unkind and cruel if you rock a size ten you’ll be okay.